Parksville Counselling Service
Thursday 28 August 2014
No longer in Parksville
I am no longer providing services in Parksville. I may update the blog once in a while or add new articles to be read but at this point the actual service of marriage and family counselling that I offered is closed. If I learn how to rename the blog and still use it to post ideas and work, I will. Thanks for reading.
Saturday 30 November 2013
Autism reading
I have been reading Temple Grandin's "The Autistic Brain". It has reminded me of the influence that autism has had on my understanding of counseling couples, families and even individuals. There are a number of things that will stand out for people with autism that we often do notice for those who do not have autism. Sensitivities to foods, light, sound, and touch along with the cumulative impact of coping with all that is happening each day. When things pile up no one copes well.
There are a couple of books that I would suggest you look into if you are trying to learn more about autsim. "The Autistic Brain" is a bit more scientific but still accessible look at more current research and autism. The areas that Temple Grandin understands better are the areas that she develops more. It offers a lot of hope. "Jumbled Jigsaw" by Donna Williams is a book that tackles the many pieces that people often associate with autism and looks at how addressing these other problems can help the individual better cope with the normal struggles that they face.
What I would find really interesting is what other people are reading that they would direct me to. If I was going to be providing autism consulting services to you or your child, what should I read to prepare me?
Friday 18 October 2013
Parenting Tips 4
Slow down.
Life is busy. We have commitments and
obligations. We have demands on our time and deadlines to meet. We
even hear the idea that time is money. We schedule meetings, we plan
events, we book appointments. I have even heard it suggested that
with all the time saving devices we have, we are busier than ever.
When people don't act according to our
schedule, according to our expectations, we find things like road
rage occurring on the streets of busy cities. When we are rushing and
our children are not working to keep up, to help us not be late, or
even worse when our children are cause us to be late we find
ourselves telling a little child with little legs, “hurry up!” I
know that for myself, the threat of being late sets me on edge.
A scenario that has happened to me is
where I was taking my son somewhere and they had a story to tell me.
I arrive and am ready to go in, getting to the appointment on time
but my son is not done telling his story. Time pressures makes me a
little irritated, makes me want to interrupt and get on with my
priorities. The lesson I have been working on, is to slow down, to
take the time to honor my son.
How do you slow down? When you notice
you are irritated, take a moment to think of the cause. Think about
what is at the root of the irritation. Is it a time pressure? Is it
something that is flexible? Is it your issue, your own expectations
and not a hard deadline?
If at all possible, take a deep breath
and let it out slowly. Add a smile to your exhale and it will help
you change your attitude. If you cannot be late, then you need to let
your child know in a way that reflects how you want to let them have
their time. It is important to know that for most appointments and
even events you can be late and it does not make a difference in the
long run.
When you are dealing with a child who
is having a tantrum, you need to create more flexibility on your
time. You may need to reschedule appointments, and be late to things
because you need to wait out a tantrum. If your child has a history
of tantrums, start giving yourself more time and more flexibility in
your day and remember, slow down.
Thursday 26 September 2013
Parenting Tips 3
Last post I spoke about the idea of
staying calm. At that time I used an example of when your child is
having a tantrum at the grocery store. It seems a good idea to at
this point to go this specific example and speak about the practical
side of staying calm.
How do you stay calm when your child is
throwing a tantrum in aisle 6? I will apply each of the steps I
listed last week talking specifically about how you can use them in
the grocery store.
1. Clear everyone else out of the room
if possible
You likely have no control over who is in the aisle or who will come into the aisle but you can create your own space. Use the cart to provide some privacy by creating a barrier. You can position the cart on a diagonal protecting two sides leaving only one direction that people will look at what is happening. Creating a private space is for your child. As an adult you do not have to feel embarrassed. The biggest struggle we have as parents is personalizing the things our children do. Tantrums happen to good parents. Privacy is about caring for your child.
You likely have no control over who is in the aisle or who will come into the aisle but you can create your own space. Use the cart to provide some privacy by creating a barrier. You can position the cart on a diagonal protecting two sides leaving only one direction that people will look at what is happening. Creating a private space is for your child. As an adult you do not have to feel embarrassed. The biggest struggle we have as parents is personalizing the things our children do. Tantrums happen to good parents. Privacy is about caring for your child.
2. Do not engage your child (unless
they are able to engage in a hug - hugs are always allowed)
Sit down with your child. Instead of
getting into a battle over what ever the crisis is about, choose to
just stop everything else and wait with your child. If they are calm
enough that you can sit and hug them, do it. Otherwise sit near by
and make sure that they are safe. If others see you calm and
comforting with your child, most will understand that you are working
through something. If anyone asks if you need help I would generally
say, that we are just waiting and everything will be fine. Do not let
your own anxiety rush you or influence your decisions.
3. Breath and focus on relaxing your
shoulders
Instead of thinking of the problem or
guessing what judging other people are doing, focus on your own
breathing, on relaxing your shoulders and on staying calm. Most
parents understand what is happening. Remember the more relaxed you
are the more you will let your child know it is safe and they will
calm down easier.
4. Offer calm reassuring words or hugs
if possible
You can hug your child while they are
working through the tantrum (understanding the limitation given in
the previous post). The most important thing to do if possible is to
wait out the tantrum in a way that is loving. Tantrums do not last
forever.
5. Watch your child for safety during
the tantrum and for signs of calming down
Depending on the severity of the
tantrum, there may be specific things you may need to do. When one
of my children would have a tantrum in frustration as a very small
child, they would bang their head. I would quickly grab them and hold
them until they settled. Assess the area for safety concerns: sharp
edges, items that could fall easily, other carts moving around the
aisle or anything other possible problems. The less you have to do
during the tantrum the more you are able to be present for your child
during the crisis.
6. Talk about it after (not part of
calming down but an important part of the prevention of next time)
It will be important to talk about what
happened after the tantrum. These conversations are best done at home
in private so as to not embarrass your child any more than they may
already be. Also it is important to know when the tantrum is over,
your child will be tired, emotionally spent and physically worn out.
Quickly yet calmly wrap up your shopping after the tantrum so that
you do not have a repeat performance.
If you have any questions or thoughts for discussion, feel free to share them with me.
Tuesday 10 September 2013
Parenting tip 2
Stay calm.
The second reason to stay calm is that in your brain there are things called mirror neurons. These mirror neurons reflect the emotions of people around you. If you are able to stay calm when your child is reacting, the mirror neurons in your child's brain will begin to reflect your calmness. By doing this you will be teaching their brain to calm themselves. You will be lending them your ability to calm yourself. While just being around a calm person provides calm, hugs are powerful tool for transferring our emotions to others through these mirror neurons.
Similarly when you are managing a behavior problem, if the child is small enough and the parent is able to be safe and calm I would suggest using hugs to stop the behavior and to provide loving reassurances to your child. The hug should not be too tight but a safe, warm, strong hug.
How do we stay calm when our children are anything but? Ever seen the parent in the grocery store with a child lying on the floor kicking and screaming? The parent is either yelling or threatening a punishment, feeling the eyes of everyone on them. Or you are at home and your child asks for a snack. You say no because you are cooking supper. Your child reacts screaming, “I want my sandwich!” Perhaps your child sweeps all his homework off the table onto the floor and yells, “I can't do this!” You quickly see that they are completely upset. This happens. Remember the child is not able to think clearly at this point and is in panic mode. If you yell or threaten punishment this will feed into the fight or flight of panic. Stay calm, and wait until the child is ready for some comforting. Then move to comforting and explaining if possible.
Do not engage the child right away unless you are able to give them hugs and give them words of assurance ("I love you", "I always care about you") and noises of endearment. While you are waiting, check your own breathing and whether your shoulders or neck are tightening. If you are tensing up, take a slow deep breath through your nose (with a slight smile on your face) and let it out slowly through your mouth. As you breath out notice your shoulders relax and realize you are calmer.
While you are calming yourself, you are giving the time and space for your child to calm themselves. Watch that they do not hurt themselves. If you are dealing with extreme behaviors there may be some specific things you need to do but you should be in conversation with a professional to make sure you are consistent and planned in dealing with extreme behaviors.
Watch your child, continue to practice slow deep breathing and focus on being non-reactive. If you have to move something because it is fragile or because it might hurt your child, do it in a calm, careful manner. During this waiting time, remind yourself that you are waiting for your child to calm themselves. They are not able to think clearly until they calm down. In order to correct, or teach, or even discipline you need to wait until they are calm to let them know in a way that they can understand.
Easier said than done. Everyone has had
those days where they just say things that they regret. When you are
dealing with a continuing issue of behavior problems, it becomes is
essential that you find a way to keep your cool.
In my previous post, Parenting Tips 1,
I discussed how important understanding yourself and what is
happening around you is to keeping yourself calm. In today's post I
will cover two reasons why staying calm is critically important and
provide six suggestions to keep yourself calm.
Your brain is programmed to problem
solve better when calm. Understanding this will help you make good
decisions and teach your child to self-calm. First of all, when you
start to lose your cool, you shut down the part of your brain that
does the problem solving. Instead you act on instinct. This means you
resort to the well travelled paths of your brain, doing the things
you have always done instead of thinking through the problem to a
solution. This will continue the cycle of reactive behaviors that are
a part of your relationship with your child. To change this
pattern of reactive behavior you will need to stay calm to break
the cycle and choose a new path. For those of you who like the
details, the frontal cortex is the area of higher thinking (both
problem solving and creativity). This part of the brain shuts down
when you are in what I call panic mode. You are then operating in the
brain stem, the part that controls the autonomic functions and fight
or flight. By staying calm you activate the frontal cortex which
allows you to take in more of the situation and really understand
what is happening.
The second reason to stay calm is that in your brain there are things called mirror neurons. These mirror neurons reflect the emotions of people around you. If you are able to stay calm when your child is reacting, the mirror neurons in your child's brain will begin to reflect your calmness. By doing this you will be teaching their brain to calm themselves. You will be lending them your ability to calm yourself. While just being around a calm person provides calm, hugs are powerful tool for transferring our emotions to others through these mirror neurons.
Imagine your child falls and scrapes
their knee. They come crying to you. You gather your child in your
arms, hug them close and tell them it will be okay. You then start to
doctor their knee, reassuring them that it is nothing serious. Your
calmness and the physical contact of the hug gives them a calmness.
This is part of the magic of a hug.
Similarly when you are managing a behavior problem, if the child is small enough and the parent is able to be safe and calm I would suggest using hugs to stop the behavior and to provide loving reassurances to your child. The hug should not be too tight but a safe, warm, strong hug.
A hug may not be appropriate for a
bigger child and/or a child that is hitting, biting and is difficult
to control. In this case a “time out” is a good option. First of
all, it is difficult for you to remain calm when your child is acting
out in a way that is physically painful to you. Also, it is important
to keep yourself safe. Remember that a child who is having a behavior
problem, or throwing a tantrum is not able to reason or consider
options. Their frontal cortex has shut down and they are operating
from their brain stem. They are in fight or flight, or panic mode.
Your calmness will help them know that nothing is wrong and there is
no need to be in panic mode. You may need a time out yourself to find
that calmness! Once the behaviour has passed for the child and you
are calm, you will both be in a better place to address the problem
successfully.
How do we stay calm when our children are anything but? Ever seen the parent in the grocery store with a child lying on the floor kicking and screaming? The parent is either yelling or threatening a punishment, feeling the eyes of everyone on them. Or you are at home and your child asks for a snack. You say no because you are cooking supper. Your child reacts screaming, “I want my sandwich!” Perhaps your child sweeps all his homework off the table onto the floor and yells, “I can't do this!” You quickly see that they are completely upset. This happens. Remember the child is not able to think clearly at this point and is in panic mode. If you yell or threaten punishment this will feed into the fight or flight of panic. Stay calm, and wait until the child is ready for some comforting. Then move to comforting and explaining if possible.
How do you stay calm?
When possible clear the room. There is
no need to have an audience. Nothing makes things escalate like
feeling judged, watched and even interfered with. Send other kids
away to do something else and choose one of the parents to stay and
sit with the child.
Do not engage the child right away unless you are able to give them hugs and give them words of assurance ("I love you", "I always care about you") and noises of endearment. While you are waiting, check your own breathing and whether your shoulders or neck are tightening. If you are tensing up, take a slow deep breath through your nose (with a slight smile on your face) and let it out slowly through your mouth. As you breath out notice your shoulders relax and realize you are calmer.
While you are calming yourself, you are giving the time and space for your child to calm themselves. Watch that they do not hurt themselves. If you are dealing with extreme behaviors there may be some specific things you need to do but you should be in conversation with a professional to make sure you are consistent and planned in dealing with extreme behaviors.
Watch your child, continue to practice slow deep breathing and focus on being non-reactive. If you have to move something because it is fragile or because it might hurt your child, do it in a calm, careful manner. During this waiting time, remind yourself that you are waiting for your child to calm themselves. They are not able to think clearly until they calm down. In order to correct, or teach, or even discipline you need to wait until they are calm to let them know in a way that they can understand.
After the tantrum, while it is just the
two of you, talk about the situation that led up to the tantrum and
possible alternative ways to react. If you have a part in the tantrum
(ie. did not listen, acted unfairly, etc) admit what you did wrong
and talk about how both of you will try harder next time.
To sum up the ways to stay calm are:
1. Clear everyone else out of the room
if possible
2. Do not engage the child (unless they
are able to engage in a hug - hugs are always allowed)
3. Breath and focus on relaxing your
shoulders
4. Offer calm reassuring words or hugs
if possible
5. Watch your child for safety during
the tantrum and for signs of calming down
6. Talk about it after (not part of
calming down but an important part of the prevention of next time)
Thursday 5 September 2013
Parenting Tip 1
In my work with parents there are things I have learned that can be applied more generally to most parents. Today I want to share the first of these general tips that can help parents who are struggling with their children's behavior.
First I have to say that I have had long difficult days. I have spent weeks on end working one-on-one with a child with difficult behaviors and then come home to hear my own child say or do something that just grates on me. It is frustrating, it is hard to control the snap. Life seems to at times "pile on". Money is tight, something breaks and then you hear the "my teacher says I need a new ... tomorrow." All you want to do is yell, scream, and maybe crawl under a rock.
As a therapist the first thing I do as I sit and hear about this struggle is tell you, "that is rough." You are going through a lot right now. Recognize your different stresses. If you have to write it down, tell someone, or just take some time for yourself to look at what is happening and admit that this is complicated, this is frustrating. By recognizing the struggle, you have taken the first step to being able to manage yourself when you then are interacting with others, including your children. By knowing your frustrated you already realize that it is not your child or the immediate problem that is the cause of how your are already feeling.
Tip number 2 is the miracle tip to calming your child. It needs tip 1 of self awareness. Keep looking for the next tip.
First I have to say that I have had long difficult days. I have spent weeks on end working one-on-one with a child with difficult behaviors and then come home to hear my own child say or do something that just grates on me. It is frustrating, it is hard to control the snap. Life seems to at times "pile on". Money is tight, something breaks and then you hear the "my teacher says I need a new ... tomorrow." All you want to do is yell, scream, and maybe crawl under a rock.
As a therapist the first thing I do as I sit and hear about this struggle is tell you, "that is rough." You are going through a lot right now. Recognize your different stresses. If you have to write it down, tell someone, or just take some time for yourself to look at what is happening and admit that this is complicated, this is frustrating. By recognizing the struggle, you have taken the first step to being able to manage yourself when you then are interacting with others, including your children. By knowing your frustrated you already realize that it is not your child or the immediate problem that is the cause of how your are already feeling.
Tip number 2 is the miracle tip to calming your child. It needs tip 1 of self awareness. Keep looking for the next tip.
Friday 30 August 2013
Marriage and Family Therapy
I will be writing and sharing other articles on mental health.
I have a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy, plus I have a MA in Religion and a BA in Psychology. I worked for 8 years as a church minister. I have worked as an Instructor Therapist providing Intensive Behavioral Intervention (IBI) for children with Autism. I worked with adults with cognitive impairments assisting them in finding and maintaining jobs.
As a therapist (counsellor) I have experience with a variety of struggles. I have worked with parents struggling with children who are acting out, who have behavior issues and who have cognitive impairments. I worked with couples as they were seeking to reconnect. I have also worked with individuals with depression, bipolar, eating disorders, OCD, PTSD, childhood sexual abuse, anger, and general life counselling.
I look forward to sharing my own experience and those ideas I find that would be helpful.
I have a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy, plus I have a MA in Religion and a BA in Psychology. I worked for 8 years as a church minister. I have worked as an Instructor Therapist providing Intensive Behavioral Intervention (IBI) for children with Autism. I worked with adults with cognitive impairments assisting them in finding and maintaining jobs.
As a therapist (counsellor) I have experience with a variety of struggles. I have worked with parents struggling with children who are acting out, who have behavior issues and who have cognitive impairments. I worked with couples as they were seeking to reconnect. I have also worked with individuals with depression, bipolar, eating disorders, OCD, PTSD, childhood sexual abuse, anger, and general life counselling.
I look forward to sharing my own experience and those ideas I find that would be helpful.
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