Parenting Tips 3

Last post I spoke about the idea of staying calm. At that time I used an example of when your child is having a tantrum at the grocery store. It seems a good idea to at this point to go this specific example and speak about the practical side of staying calm.

How do you stay calm when your child is throwing a tantrum in aisle 6? I will apply each of the steps I listed last week talking specifically about how you can use them in the grocery store.
 

1. Clear everyone else out of the room if possible
You likely have no control over who is in the aisle or who will come into the aisle but you can create your own space. Use the cart to provide some privacy by creating a barrier. You can position the cart on a diagonal protecting two sides leaving only one direction that people will look at what is happening. Creating a private space is for your child. As an adult you do not have to feel embarrassed. The biggest struggle we have as parents is personalizing the things our children do. Tantrums happen to good parents. Privacy is about caring for your child.

2. Do not engage your child (unless they are able to engage in a hug - hugs are always allowed)

Sit down with your child. Instead of getting into a battle over what ever the crisis is about, choose to just stop everything else and wait with your child. If they are calm enough that you can sit and hug them, do it. Otherwise sit near by and make sure that they are safe. If others see you calm and comforting with your child, most will understand that you are working through something. If anyone asks if you need help I would generally say, that we are just waiting and everything will be fine. Do not let your own anxiety rush you or influence your decisions.

3. Breath and focus on relaxing your shoulders

Instead of thinking of the problem or guessing what judging other people are doing, focus on your own breathing, on relaxing your shoulders and on staying calm. Most parents understand what is happening. Remember the more relaxed you are the more you will let your child know it is safe and they will calm down easier.

4. Offer calm reassuring words or hugs if possible

You can hug your child while they are working through the tantrum (understanding the limitation given in the previous post). The most important thing to do if possible is to wait out the tantrum in a way that is loving. Tantrums do not last forever.

5. Watch your child for safety during the tantrum and for signs of calming down

Depending on the severity of the tantrum, there may be specific things you may need to do. When one of my children would have a tantrum in frustration as a very small child, they would bang their head. I would quickly grab them and hold them until they settled. Assess the area for safety concerns: sharp edges, items that could fall easily, other carts moving around the aisle or anything other possible problems. The less you have to do during the tantrum the more you are able to be present for your child during the crisis.

6. Talk about it after (not part of calming down but an important part of the prevention of next time)

It will be important to talk about what happened after the tantrum. These conversations are best done at home in private so as to not embarrass your child any more than they may already be. Also it is important to know when the tantrum is over, your child will be tired, emotionally spent and physically worn out. Quickly yet calmly wrap up your shopping after the tantrum so that you do not have a repeat performance.

 

If you have any questions or thoughts for discussion, feel free to share them with me.

Parenting tip 2

Stay calm.

Easier said than done. Everyone has had those days where they just say things that they regret. When you are dealing with a continuing issue of behavior problems, it becomes is essential that you find a way to keep your cool.
 

In my previous post, Parenting Tips 1, I discussed how important understanding yourself and what is happening around you is to keeping yourself calm. In today's post I will cover two reasons why staying calm is critically important and provide six suggestions to keep yourself calm.

Your brain is programmed to problem solve better when calm. Understanding this will help you make good decisions and teach your child to self-calm. First of all, when you start to lose your cool, you shut down the part of your brain that does the problem solving. Instead you act on instinct. This means you resort to the well travelled paths of your brain, doing the things you have always done instead of thinking through the problem to a solution. This will continue the cycle of reactive behaviors that are a part of your relationship with your child. To change this pattern of reactive behavior you will need to stay calm to break the cycle and choose a new path. For those of you who like the details, the frontal cortex is the area of higher thinking (both problem solving and creativity). This part of the brain shuts down when you are in what I call panic mode. You are then operating in the brain stem, the part that controls the autonomic functions and fight or flight. By staying calm you activate the frontal cortex which allows you to take in more of the situation and really understand what is happening.

The second reason to stay calm is that in your brain there are things called mirror neurons. These mirror neurons reflect the emotions of people around you. If you are able to stay calm when your child is reacting, the mirror neurons in your child's brain will begin to reflect your calmness. By doing this you will be teaching their brain to calm themselves. You will be lending them your ability to calm yourself. While just being around a calm person provides calm, hugs are powerful tool for transferring our emotions to others through these mirror neurons.

Imagine your child falls and scrapes their knee. They come crying to you. You gather your child in your arms, hug them close and tell them it will be okay. You then start to doctor their knee, reassuring them that it is nothing serious. Your calmness and the physical contact of the hug gives them a calmness. This is part of the magic of a hug.

Similarly when you are managing a behavior problem, if the child is small enough and the parent is able to be safe and calm I would suggest using hugs to stop the behavior and to provide loving reassurances to your child. The hug should not be too tight but a safe, warm, strong hug.
 

A hug may not be appropriate for a bigger child and/or a child that is hitting, biting and is difficult to control. In this case a “time out” is a good option. First of all, it is difficult for you to remain calm when your child is acting out in a way that is physically painful to you. Also, it is important to keep yourself safe. Remember that a child who is having a behavior problem, or throwing a tantrum is not able to reason or consider options. Their frontal cortex has shut down and they are operating from their brain stem. They are in fight or flight, or panic mode. Your calmness will help them know that nothing is wrong and there is no need to be in panic mode. You may need a time out yourself to find that calmness! Once the behaviour has passed for the child and you are calm, you will both be in a better place to address the problem successfully.

How do we stay calm when our children are anything but? Ever seen the parent in the grocery store with a child lying on the floor kicking and screaming? The parent is either yelling or threatening a punishment, feeling the eyes of everyone on them. Or you are at home and your child asks for a snack. You say no because you are cooking supper. Your child reacts screaming, “I want my sandwich!” Perhaps your child sweeps all his homework off the table onto the floor and yells, “I can't do this!” You quickly see that they are completely upset. This happens. Remember the child is not able to think clearly at this point and is in panic mode. If you yell or threaten punishment this will feed into the fight or flight of panic. Stay calm, and wait until the child is ready for some comforting. Then move to comforting and explaining if possible.

How do you stay calm?

When possible clear the room. There is no need to have an audience. Nothing makes things escalate like feeling judged, watched and even interfered with. Send other kids away to do something else and choose one of the parents to stay and sit with the child.

Do not engage the child right away unless you are able to give them hugs and give them words of assurance ("I love you", "I always care about you") and noises of endearment. While you are waiting, check your own breathing and whether your shoulders or neck are tightening. If you are tensing up, take a slow deep breath through your nose (with a slight smile on your face) and let it out slowly through your mouth. As you breath out notice your shoulders relax and realize you are calmer.

While you are calming yourself, you are giving the time and space for your child to calm themselves. Watch that they do not hurt themselves. If you are dealing with extreme behaviors there may be some specific things you need to do but you should be in conversation with a professional to make sure you are consistent and planned in dealing with extreme behaviors.

Watch your child, continue to practice slow deep breathing and focus on being non-reactive. If you have to move something because it is fragile or because it might hurt your child, do it in a calm, careful manner. During this waiting time, remind yourself that you are waiting for your child to calm themselves. They are not able to think clearly until they calm down. In order to correct, or teach, or even discipline you need to wait until they are calm to let them know in a way that they can understand.

After the tantrum, while it is just the two of you, talk about the situation that led up to the tantrum and possible alternative ways to react. If you have a part in the tantrum (ie. did not listen, acted unfairly, etc) admit what you did wrong and talk about how both of you will try harder next time.
 

To sum up the ways to stay calm are:

1. Clear everyone else out of the room if possible

2. Do not engage the child (unless they are able to engage in a hug - hugs are always allowed)

3. Breath and focus on relaxing your shoulders

4. Offer calm reassuring words or hugs if possible

5. Watch your child for safety during the tantrum and for signs of calming down

6. Talk about it after (not part of calming down but an important part of the prevention of next time)

Parenting Tip 1

In my work with parents there are things I have learned that can be applied more generally to most parents. Today I want to share the first of these general tips that can help parents who are struggling with their children's behavior.

First I have to say that I have had long difficult days. I have spent weeks on end working one-on-one with a child with difficult behaviors and then come home to hear my own child say or do something that just grates on me. It is frustrating, it is hard to control the snap. Life seems to at times "pile on". Money is tight, something breaks and then you hear the "my teacher says I need a new ... tomorrow." All you want to do is yell, scream, and maybe crawl under a rock.

As a therapist the first thing I do as I sit and hear about this struggle is tell you, "that is rough." You are going through a lot right now. Recognize your different stresses. If you have to write it down, tell someone, or just take some time for yourself to look at what is happening and admit that this is complicated, this is frustrating. By recognizing the struggle, you have taken the first step to being able to manage yourself when you then are interacting with others, including your children. By knowing your frustrated you already realize that it is not your child or the immediate problem that is the cause of how your are already feeling.

Tip number 2 is the miracle tip to calming your child. It needs tip 1 of self awareness. Keep looking for the next tip.